The Questions we ask
by Demonhunter2
Summary: Sam goes into detox again, days later he tries to explain why he became an addict, why he let things go too far. A stepping stone to redemption, and re-building their relationship.--One shot!


"I'm waiting.....fine I'm gone." Dean turned around, he couldn't look at Sam anymore.

"Dean...wait!" Sam said, small tremors shook his body. It had been only a few days, he could still feel the cravings for the demon blood, heck! He could still feel the demon blood inside of him.

"I'm sorry!" Dean didn't turn around, his head fell down to his chest.

"Yeah, you said that already."

"For everything."

"Everything......your sorry for everything. That include trying to kill me?" Dean said bitterly.

"Of course." Dean still hadn't turned around, Sam had this look about him. The older man found it hard to look the kid in the eyes and be angry. He still had the puppy dog look, the one Dean found almost impossible to resist. But he also found it hard to look at the man who tried to kill him.

Dean mearily nodded his head and started for the door, passing Bobby who was sitting at his desk.

"I didn't......I didn't do it because of Lilith." Sam's hand started to hurt, he rubbed at the palm of his left hand with his thumb. He wished it would stop hurting.

"I mean, I did do it for Lilith....because of Lilith." Dean turned around, Sam's breathing had increased, sweat started to form a thin layer on his skin, the cooling moisture made his skin shine in the dim lighting.

"Which one is it Sam!" Dean moved forward, his face cocked to the side slightly, maybe he could figure his brother out better from this angle.

"How much of that shit did you down? Did it screw-up your head so much you don't know your head from your ass."

"You don't understand." Sam whispered.

"That's because your not making any sense."

"I don't know why I am bothering to explain this to you." Sam started to feel agitated, he had hoped his withdrawal would have lasted only a few days, but now he was dealing with the psychological aspect of his addiction. The almost constant cravings, his body was still aching, and it was becoming more and more difficult to concentrate.

"I don't know." Dean said softly, this wasn't working, he turned around and went for the door.

Bobby quickly got-up and grabbed the young hunter by the shoulders.

"It ain't gonna work unless you try boy!"

"I am trying." Dean retorted, god he was tired. He couldn't handle this. Why couldn't Sam just be alright? Why did he have to be an addict?

"Keep at it! Sam' still coming off the damn demon blood, give him time." Bobby didn't wait for Dean to respond, he turned him around and pushed him lightly back towards Sam.

Dean stood there for a moment, his eyes looking down at his feet, he just couldn't face Sam. Bobby pushed Dean a little further. He still stood there silently, Bobby shook his head.

"Sam....." He took a deep breath " What the hell are ya' yammering 'bout?" Bobby hedged.

Sam took a deep breath, he pushed his fingers through his thick hair, tearing through tangles as he went.

"She....she wasn't the only reason." Tears started to form in his eyes, Dean raised an eyebrow, he looked at Sam through his eyelashes.

"I wanted revenge.....I wanted to kill that bitch. So....damn bad!" He whiped his forehead. His tremors were now a full fledge body shake.

"And.....she wasn't the only one." Dean raised his head, Sam's eyes were down, unfocused, the dark, baggy circles under his eyes still hadn't gone away. His skin was dirty, botchy, he had lost a little bit of weight.

He shook his hands, hoping something would let-up.

"Only one......what?" He could feel the tears pricking at his eyes. He had an idea of what Sam was talking about, he just really hoped it wasn't what he thought it was.

"Only one....I was....." He stuffed his hands into his pockets, he shifted from one leg to the other.

"Trying to.....kill."

"What?" Dean whipsered. The two hunters stood there, seemingly in shock. Sam hadn't said it, but it was becoming more and more evident what Sam was talking about. This was becoming more then they both could handle, Sam went from normal, to addict, to suicidal in record time.

"After, after you died. I had nothing." Sam swallowed, his mouth was drying, he felt light headed, and the sweat was now in constant need of whipping. Tears streamed down his face.

"I had no one. What the hell did I have to live for?" Sam said softly, his sobing made it difficult to speak.

"But I'm not dead. I'm here! Why....." Dean could no longer speak, he couldn't say the word **suicidial.**

"I thought.....it would make things.....better. You being back. But, it didn't. It made things worse."

Dean was flabergasted, how the hell did his reserection make things worse. Wasn't Sam happy to have him back?

"I mean....." Sam sat down, he closed his eyes, that didn't come out exactly how he meant it.

"I was happy you were alive, not in he-hell." He opened his eyes, Dean moved closer to him.

"Things changed. And, I felt like.....like no matter what I did, or said, nothing was getting better. No matter what I did, you still suffered, people died. Evil was everywhere...." He started to figit with his shirt.

"Evil went after you. The angels went after you. If.....if I failed, and you died....you would go back to hell."

"I just wanted to make things better." Dean was silent for a moment, he rubbed at his chin.

"How the hell is everything going to better if your dead?"

"Because if I was dead you wouldn't have to worry about your monster for a brother." Dean closed his eyes, god! He wished he hadn't said that.

"Because, maybe evil wouldn't come after you. What's inside....of me......it's evil.....it attracts evil.....if I die......"

"What?"

"You wouldn't have to worry about it....them."

"That's not true. You know that right? They want me for all the son of bitches I sent back to hell."

"Maybe......." Sam stopped himself, this was too much for him to handle, too much for Dean to handle. Why the hell was he putting all his pathetic problems on his brother. He had enough to worry about.

"What?" Dean hedged.

"Nothing." Sam whipsered.

"No, we're not quitting now. Tell me, I'm listening."

"It wouldn't hurt so much." Sam broke down, he openly whepped. Dean could hear Bobby sit down in his old squeeky chair, his almost silent sobs echoed Sam's.

"Evil, it won't stop. It's always been around, your not the centre of it all. They did this to me, not you. I did it to myself."

"If only I had killed Azazeal when I had the chance, he wouldn't have killed dad. If I had killed Jake instead of turning my back on him, you would have never gone to hell."

"All it would have cost you was your soul. Take it from an old pro, that's something you don't want to sell-off."

Dean moved closer, he was a mere 2 feet away from his little brother, who was hiding his face in his hands. Ashamed of what he was, what he had become, he was a disgrace to the Winchester name.

"You shouldn't have to pay for who your family are. You died, too many have died....be-because of me." Dean knelt down, he pulled Sam's hands away, he looked Sam in the eyes, who was trying his best to advoid his older brother's eyes.

"Look at me Sam. I....made the decision to sell my soul. I made that decision. I did it because I thought you deserved to live......" He swallowed at the knot in his throat, it was his turn for confessional. It hurt just as much to confess as it did to listen.

"You deserved to live more then I did. I thought I failed you......to save you. I couldn't live with that. I just.....couldn't." Sam lowered his arms.

"You didn't fail me."

"And you didn't fail me." Sam reassured Dean.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm addict."

"I know. We'll get through it. Together."


End file.
